TW: disordered eating
My sophomore year of college I was the Varsity 8+ coxswain for my Division 1 women’s rowing program. As a coxswain, I am expected to be the eyes, voice, and mind for the eight girls in the boat. In the beginning I thought I knew how to handle all the pressure that came with being at the top, until my mind and body couldn’t keep up eventually I started losing sight of myself quickly becoming a number on a scale.
Up until the summer of 2024, the NCAA followed USRowing rules, where if the coxswain of the boat was under 110 lbs, they would have to carry a sandbag of weight to meet the requirement. Along with that a colored wrist band signifying that you are “underweight”, though on the other side of the spectrum if you are over this requirement you receive a different brightly colored wrist deeming you “overweight”, that you must wear the entire weekend of championships.
Until the beginning of my sophomore year, this number had never affected me, being that I was always seen as “the tiny girl” growing up. Though, January 14th rolled around and it was announced within my team that the coxswains would be shifting into a solely cardio based circuit lift program for the spring season, like the majority of the NCAA coxswains partake in within championship season. Subconsciously affecting my body imagine, who I was, and why I was doing this sport.
It started with stepping on the scale three days a week and being visibly disappointed every time I saw my weight. Soon following, I began to cut out the protein and hydration we were given after workouts. Eventually prolonging breakfast and lunch until I became dizzy, finally coming to a point where I feared leaving my bed because I did not think I could walk to class without passing out. But I kept quiet and continued creating new disordered habits in belief that being lighter will make my boats faster.
The depression and loneliness soon followed quicker than I thought, turning the bright and bubbly person I once was into a shell of a body whose only care was this number dropping on the scale. After 3 months of this downward spiral, I decided to tell my assistant coach, in hopes that as a former female athlete she would give me the support and tough love that I needed. Soon enough, she began to help me pick up the parts of me that I thought I lost forever.
“You have to eat if you want to keep your position,” she explained to me. These words I repeated for the months to come, lighting me up and fueling me to slowly choose recovery because this sport is my escape from reality and I couldn’t lose it in a time where I needed it the most.
So I met with my school athletic trainer and nutritionist on steps to recovering from this eating disorder. Meeting with countless specialists to unravel this monster that has over taken who I once was. Slowly adding liquids after workouts and weighing myself only once a week with someone else in the room, I began to creating new habits.
Coming out on the other side is a rewarding feeling, though I would be lying if I said any part of it was easy. But realizing that I had an army of support carrying the weight that I lost helped more than I could even imagine.
Majority of NCAA conferences are now aligning with World Rowing and are now modifying the 2024-2025 rules. Increasing the women’s coxswain weight minimum from 110 pounds to 121 pounds. Giving many potential and current student athletes, including myself, relief that we can maintain this weight in a healthier manner within the sport.
This number will always be apart of my sport, though now I can confidently say that I am no longer just a number on the scale and that I am finally that bright, bubbly, and loud girl I once was.
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